In games we might be able to survive multiple bullets, recover from stab wounds by eating a wedge of cheese, or watch arrows simply disappear after being embedded in us during a fight. But even without these supernatural abilities, sometimes you look at a low-level bad guy and think: Yeah, I could take you. Bring it on.
Honestly, all you need to defeat an imp from Doom is knowing how to strafe. Left 4 Dead’s boomers only take one hit to pop. And have you ever seen a D&D version of a kobold up close? Depending what edition they’re from, they either look like scrawny lizards or asthmatic chihuahuas. Five hit point? No worries. Which videogame enemy could you beat in a fight?
Here are our answers, plus a few sourced from our forum.
Jacob Ridley: Grunt from Halo. With an extreme reach advantage in my favour, and a grunt’s fight-or-flight response very much geared towards the latter, I reckon I could take it out swiftly. And when it comes to that final moment, when we’re both bruised and battered, at least when that finishing blow lands I’ll be showered with multi-coloured confetti instead of a fountain of blood and entrails. Wait, you did ask which videogame enemy could I kill in cold blood, right?
Robin Valentine: Skaven. If Vermintide 2 is to be believed, your average rat-man has the bodily fortitude of wet toilet paper, and a comparable IQ. Even accounting for their frenzied combat style and sharp teeth, I reckon I could kick about four thousand of them to death before I got hooked by a packmaster. Can’t promise I’d find any tomes, though.
Morgan Park: A mimic from Prey 2017. I could totally take on a Mimic. I’ve played enough Prey to spot those little bastards from a mile away, especially if it tried to hide in my home. Joke’s on you, Mimic, I know I don’t have two toasters. They look squishy enough that I could crush it in my hands if I had a good grip. I’ll use a trusty wrench if that fails, just like the game taught me.
Christopher Livingston: A Mudcrab. I always thought they got way too much hype from Oblivion’s citizens. Sure, it’s a big crab, a crab that attacks people. But with all the crazy shit going on in Tamriel, why do so many people want to discuss mudcrabs? There are hell gates opening all over the place. Who gives a shit about crabs?
I think I could take one. Even one of the big ones. As long as I wasn’t in the water at the time of the fight, I think bashing or stabbing a crab to death wouldn’t be all that hard. I’ve had crabs grab me with their claws at the beach in real life, and it hurts like hell, definitely. But they only pinched me because I didn’t see them first. In Oblivion, the combat music would give them away, and I’d soon be enjoying some mudcrab claw with melted butter.
Everything else in Oblivion would kill me instantly. I couldn’t even take the Adoring Fan in a fist-fight.
James Davenport: Every Hearthstone card. Assuming they remain cards, I’m confident I could kick the ass of every Hearthstone card in existence. Paper is weak. I would simply fold the cards in half to destroy their resale value or pinch each end and tear them apart, one by one.
Lauren Morton: Everything in Undertale (in a pacifist playthrough). The great thing about Undertale is that you don’t actually have to fight to win. By the game’s logic, they’re still fights. So I’m counting it. To defeat Undertale’s bosses you don’t have to throw punches. Instead you hit up the big baddies with a dangerous cocktail of awkward compliments and earnest affirmations. That is 100% my fighting style. I beat real humans that way every day. Checkmate.
Wes Fenlon: Mavis Beacon. You think you’re better than me because you know about the home row? You think I can’t type every asinine set of words you set out for me at 80 wpm? I type for a living, Mavis Beacon. You hold no power over me. I will beat you at a keyboard, or with a keyboard. Take your pick.
OsaX Nymloth: Location: Candlekeep
Reward: handsome (5 gold pieces)
Quest log: A glorious battle unlike any this world has ever seen
Ok who am I kidding, I would probably be dead even before the tutorial section.
I Will Haunt You: I’m with you on the rats. I can beat a rat. At least I think I can. The last two times I saw a rat it was quickly and systematically hunted and killed by my pets before I could confront it.
I think I could definitely take your run-of-the-mill zombie. I’m pretty sure they move slower than I do. Wait. It was a zombie that killed me. Scratch that. I can’t take a zombie. Then again that particular zombie wasn’t a run-of-mill zombie. So yeah, I’ll stick with my answer of run-of-the-mill zombie.
Whoever it was that said I couldn’t use “run-of-mill” three times in one paragraph owes me $5.
Zloth: South Park: Fractured but Whole. I can beat those sixth graders! (As long as they come at me one at a time. And, if one of them tries doing that little balloon trick, I’m calling the cops.)
XoRn: I bet I could take a covenant grunt from Halo. Turkey sized spaziods practically kill themselves running in a panic at the first sight of green. I’ve probably killed one already on Saint Patricks and didn’t even know it.